[[alex]] it's been || awhile

[Keller Galen]

There wasn’t a day that went by that Keller didn’t think about him, the way his eyes squinted ever so when he smiled, or the way his touch sent electric shocks through her skin. It’s damn near possible you could say she loved him, she did positively as her best friend, but as more she had never said. Neither one of them when they’d been together, which had been nearly every day, had admitted that there was anything more that pure, everlasting friendship between them. And nothing had ever really been acted on until a few strong shots of liquid encouragement took them past the friendship mark and into his bed. To this day it’s a nice that Keller wished with every fiber of her being that she could remember with perfect clarity, and never could. Such is the result of a drunken hook-up, and speaking of results, a baby was also one of them.

That was something she’d never told Alex, and everyday she’d wished she had. Maybe he would have stayed around then, but he wanted out of La Push and she wasn’t going to try and tie him down there. It had taken her some time to figure out that it was his baby, because of her odd relationship with his brother. It was stressful, confusing and it hurt like no other. It hurt more when Alex actually left, and along with him, his brother walked right out of her life too. That was that, and she was left alone in La Push and things just nosedived from there; the baby being lost.


Every day she found herself struggling to get out of bed, but she was too young to be acting like her entire life was over. That was her motivation to get up that morning and dress herself, deciding on a pair of dark blue jeans and a crème colored long sleeved sweater. As she brushed through her hair she thought once again of him; she’d heard that he’d had a fiancé whom had passed away, and also that he was back in town, which scared the living shit out of her. Keller had no idea how she’d face him, say, ‘oh hi nice to see you, by the way I miscarried your son’ what a great welcome home present that would be. Making a face at herself in the mirror she sprayed herself with a squirt of her favorite perfume and slipped on her shoes and grabbed her canvas bag and made her way towards the heart of La Push, needing to pick up a few things for herself.


It was nearly two hours after she’d left her house, with a plastic bag in one hand and her iced tea in her other, she headed out of the thrift store and walked along the worn sidewalk. As she took a sip of her tea she walked along the few other shops, looking through the windows as she walked. That was until she ran into something solid and stumbled back, realizing it was a person. “Oh god,” She said in frustration with herself, “I’m so sor-..” Keller stopped talking when she’d looked up to apologize to the stranger, only to see the familiar face she’d thought she’d never see again. Her words froze, and for what seemed like hours she felt as though she was completely mute. Mustering up the nerve to speak again to him she said, “Sorry.” And pushed some of her hair from her face behind her ear, “Didn’t expect to see you there.”

[° LiNDSeY °]

Alex had avoided town for a lot of reasons. The memory of Paris was still too fresh. He was glad that for the time being, his brother still wasn't around. He might kill him on the spot, and finish the job from last time. No one knew that he had always killed him, beaten him to death after it happened. His anger had overcome him at seeing her dead, knowing his brother had been the reason. He was sick of this, sick of knowing that someone who should care about him, ruined his life. Since then it was nothing but girls and parties. He didn't have a care in the world. He tried to keep the same demeanor while back in town and hanging with Xavier, but the feelings of depression still hurt him as he remembered. It wasn’t only the death of his fiancé, but also the loss of another girl he had once loved. He remembered their night of passion vividly, but for her sake, he had acted like it never happened. He had always loved her, until she went with his brother. He couldn't even really look at her the same. It was just another thing that Mason had yet again won. He never wanted to push a relationship or feelings onto Keller, and while they had both had some to drink - his reasons weren't the liquor, but his feelings for the girl he had been with. He had loved her, but that was in the past now. He wouldn't let himself seek her out, and avoided any chance at seeing her. He knew what he'd feel again. And he could remember how she looked so similar to Paris. He had loved Paris, but Keller was his first love. A friendship that had turned into so much more. The only reason Alex ever faked like it didn't happen is because he thought if she wanted it to be something more, she'd speak up, but she never did. Instead she went with Mason, of all people.

Love wasn't happening again. Never again would he have someone, just so they could be taken away within a moment. Just as his thoughts went over all of this, he bumped into someone he hadn't expected. The striking figures, the blonde hair. The face that resembled so much of Paris too. He had fallen for two women that looked so similar in the eyes, the mouth, the nose. He couldn't speak as he stared at her, hopeless as the feelings fought to come up, and he fought even harder to extinguish them. "Well, it is a small town. We were bound to run into each other eventually." His voice and eyes were dark, but his heart was thumping loudly, as it had so many times before. She wouldn't, couldn't get back into his life, not like before. He couldn't let that happen - wouldn't. He sighed as he tried to put some of the honey back into his voice. "It is nice to see you. You look like you are doing good for yourself. You look stunning." She did, but the comment was more about her looks, than what he felt about them. It was a fact, even if he did have a few key thoughts on her look. He wanted to physically shake his head to make the thoughts fall out. Images of their night together, that sweet passion were welling up, but he wasn't going to think about that, or her like that, again. It'd be wrong, right?

[Keller Galen]

Countless nights had been spent thinking to herself what she’d do if she saw him again, all the things that she’d say that she never could before. How much she’d cared about him, how every time she was with her brother she wished it were him. Standing there in front of him with the opportunity she thought she’d never have, she felt everything she’d planned to do disappear from her mind. The breeze blew gently and the fresh scent, the familiar scent, sent her emotions on a roller coaster ride. What she wouldn’t give to be able to touch him like she had that night, how she missed the relationship, whatever kind of relationship it was, that they’d had together.
“Thanks.” Keller said with a delicate smile, and pushed her hair behind her ears. “I’d heard you were back in town, Xavier told me last time I saw him.” God, I wish I could touch you… She bit her lower lip, trying to think of something to say, and when he told her how she looked good she couldn’t help but smile at the compliment, and laugh bitterly inside. If only you’d seen me six months ago… How her life had gone into such an out of control spiral was beyond her. The thoughts of the drugs, and the many nights alone filled her head for a moment. Swallowing the lump in her throat she thought of her baby boy, who’s small headstone was only a mere mile or so from where they stood in the cemetery.
“You look good yourself, I didn’t think I’d see you back around here anytime soon.” She spoke, feeling a little better about being around him. Her stomach had stopped doing such severe flips, and she felt the flush leave her cheeks. “It’s really good to see you.” She admitted, “We all missed you.” Keller was careful not to just say just herself, unsure of how he was feeling towards her, especially since the whole ordeal with his fiancé that she’d heard from Xavier. Part of her felt resentment towards him for being with another person, but then again, what kind of claim did she have on him? They were never together, officially together. “So what are you up to around here now?” She asked him trying to make small talk, she wondered how much of how she’d screwed up her life Xavier had told him.

[° LiNDSeY °]

He knew. He knew everything. Xavier had spilt on the details of Keller's time in town while he had been gone. His eyes seared with the pain of knowing. He couldn't believe she hadn't told him, hadn't bothered to try. He wanted to throw something, shout at her, cry even, but he couldn't make anything come out except a distant cold voice. And even then, the warmth and light of seeing her again floated in the background. He couldn't be thinking about her like this again. ( Stop. That part of your life is over. She betrayed you. She went with Mason. She didn't tell you. You don't love her. You can't love her. Not now. Not after all that. ) The voice of reason spoke every reason, ever feeling, but the sense of dread in his heart for even slightly listening killed him. A whole other part of his being wanted to take her in his arms, cry together, push her hair behind her ear, kiss her. They couldn't be together like that, not again. There was too much history, and heartache there for any good to come from it.

"Yeah, seems Xavier knows a lot these days. He's big on sharing." he looked away, as he spoke coldly, making comments that behind them masked his knowing but also loudly voiced it. "That is why he is my best friend. He knows when he should tell me something. He doesn't hide important things." He looked at her, his cold eyes striking through her, almost seeing every part of her inner soul. His gaze didn't falter from her eyes, but anguish slightly registered in his cold eyes, because seeing her, looking at her so intently and directly left him with the need just to touch her, hold her one more time, even for the last time. He tried being more civil, acting like she was just anyone he had known from his past, someone with little involvement, no matter how far it was from the truth. "Honestly, I didn't think I'd come back here. But here I am." he wanted to continue, and talk to her like he had so openly and honestly before. But that trust and friendship was broken now. ( Can't always go running from your problems. Sometimes you have to suck it up and deal with them headon. ) He thought about saying it, but he didn't. He just let as little information come through.

He wasn't sure he could let this conversation, and small talk go on any longer. It was making his skin crawl. He couldn't be friendly with her, he couldn't be romantic with her, but it also hurt being cold to her. There was no ground to stand on, and Alex was very quickly losing his footing, not to mention his nerve and resolve. "Yeah, it's uh.. good to see you again." It was. He had missed her a lot, but the other part of him was screaming to do anything but be nice to her or want to. "I guess. A lot of people have funny ways of showing it." Not to mention a lot of the people didn't like how he had changed. They didn't feel just because he lost his fiance that he had the right to be some macho, cocky, player. He felt different. He had every right to be anything he wanted. None of them knew the story, what had happened, why and who had been the real cause. Oh he had more than enough right. "Well, Xavier is trying to convince me to apply for the police department." He would be good at it. Being a detective, getting into the mind of killers and criminals. He was good at psychology, leading, and working out things in his mind that others coudln't. The problem was, he hated criminals and killers. Justice wasn't enough. Not for him. Like his brother, they all needed to burn in hell. "What've you been up to?" Why was he still trying to make small talk? This wasn't right, and he knew it.

[Keller Galen]

The way he was talking to her, especially when he mentioned Xavier, made her think that he knew. The thought of him knowing made her feel the bile rising in her throat, so she remained silent as she tried to keep her composure. Though a lump in her throat formed and she couldn’t seem to swallow it away or make the thoughts disappear no matter how hard she tried. Xavier had been her confidant when Alex took off, he helped her through Mason leaving her too. God I fucked up didn’t I? She thought to herself. Looking up at him with her brown eyes she let out a desperate sigh, she’d missed him so much and yet she didn’t feel that she had any right to touch him, especially the way she once had. Keller had no idea that her emotions were this unstable when it came to Alex, and it made her very uneasy. The blond kept silent as she listened to him speak, both scared and enjoying hearing his voice again. He seemed as though her were a million different people, his tone constantly changing, throwing her off. Did he know or didn’t he? Keller felt angry at the thought of Xavier spilling the beans to Alex, she’d been wanting to be the one to tell him if the opportunity ever arose. Yet, here she was and she couldn’t find her voice.

Keller wanted to break down and cry, she didn’t know what he was thinking. Hell, she didn’t even know what she was thinking. The baby, the drugs, the suicide attempt; there was so much she wanted, needed, to tell him and yet even as he stood in front of her he felt a million miles away. The rumors of his player status had circulated through their group of friends, that was nothing like how she remembered him. But, she supposed, after all that he’d been through it wasn’t much of a shock. He was a great looking guy and it didn’t surprise her that women flocked to him, especially when he didn’t have his brother around to compete with. Part of her felt bad for him, everything he'd gone through. Then again, he left her, everyone. Where was he when she had the pill bottle in her hand? He left, and wasn't there for her like all the times he'd told her he would be.

What do you do when it all falls apart? She didn’t know what she was supposed to do, or say for that matter. There was no way for Keller to track him down when he’d been traveling to tell him, what did he expect her to have done? “Well that’s good, you’d be good at that.” Why good? Nothing was good right now. Keller bit her lower lip and stared down at her feet, the tension between them was thick enough to cut with a knife. A burning sensation filled her eyes along with tears that she didn’t dare let fall as she gained the courage to look back up at him, “Uhm…” She paused a moment, trying to find her voice again. Glancing around before back at him, she patted her foot nervously, “He told you didn’t he?”

[° LiNDSeY °]

He reached into his pocket, taking out his keys. It was a needed distraction from looking at her, something to do also to keep his mind from wandering to thoughts to extreme on the past, or from his hands burning with the need to caress her skin. He fumbled with his keys, shrugging dismissively. "I don't know. I'm not even sure if I'll be staying in La Push. Besides, I don't think I'd be the absolute best." He let out a sigh as he ran his fingers through his hand.

He looked at her as she finally addressed the issue, although in a lot less words than he had expected, and in a way, that if he didn't know, he wouldn't understand, and she could go on lying. His face was blank as he stared into her eyes. "You should've told me, Keller." He didn't directly answer her question. What was the point? If she wouldn't be honest with him and direct, he wasn't going to be anyway. He looked away, the tears starting to push at the back of his eyes. He couldn't look at her if he wanted to have any strength left to get the information out of her." How could you not tell me we had a child?!" His voiced had raised, slightly from anger, but more for his depression. "I could have been here. Helped you through it. Been there for...." He paused as his voice broke. "You know, you always meant a lot to me. But this. I never expected you to hide something so important." He was disappointed. Keller had always been honest with him. They had been best friends for so long, even when she hurt him by being with his brother, she had still been there willingly to talk about anything. Even when he couldn't look at her or talk to her because of her choice. The only reason he had never gone after the idea of being with her, was because he had always been kind, and a gentleman. Even after their drunken, steamy, and romantic night together, he still held fast to the idea she might not want to be with him. He never knew if she did - thanks to her choice to be with Mason.

Even as the anguish welled up into his throat, he still felt the same need - to cradle Keller in his arms, hold her, and assure her that they would get through this. But there wasn't a they in this. He wanted nothing more for there to be something, for all the mistakes to be erased from the best. ( If it were only that simple. ) After everything, why would she choose to hide something so important. He had left, sure, but if he had known...if he had. Well would he have rushed back, been with her for that. He couldn't be sure. He had always loved her, but something like that.. it didn't justify the past hurt. She had betrayed him by being with Mason. After her knowing all the things he had told her of his brother, and she still picked him over Alex. Even if he had been away, Xavier was in contact with him, and Ellie - she could have found a way. Any way to just tell him. "I'm disappointed in you Kell." The use of his nickname for her burned as it formed into words. The silence after his comment rang with a pain of desperation and anguish. And he felt it strike through him more roughly than anything he had ever known.

[Keller Galen]

Keller felt a lump in throat form as she felt a few hot tears fall down her cheeks, and she thought she’d probably look somewhat like a raccoon within a few minutes if she kept this up. “ I-,” She paused trying to regain her composure, unable to bring her eyes to his. “ I know I should have told you…I didn’t want to bother you.” The excuse was horrible, that much was obvious. The knot in her stomach tightened, “Xavier had told me you were engaged…” Thinking of someone else with him made her feel like she was going to throw up, “I didn’t want to ruin things for you.”

Finally bringing her eyes to his own, she bit her lower lip lightly trying to hold back the rest of her tears. “I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, everyone left. You don’t know half of what went on after you left.” Keller spoke, letting some of her bitterness surface. “ My parents, they kicked me out.” She said angrily, “ No one seemed to give a damn about this baby but me. You were gone, I didn’t think you gave a damn about me, so I thought it’d be the same with the baby.” Keller knew that was stupid to say, but none of what she was saying was part of the script she’d rehearsed over and over in her head in bed each night. She thought this conversation wouldn’t happen. “You could have helped me? And what, just drop your life, your fiancé and come right back into my life like you never left and play dad? It wouldn’t have been anything like that.” She spat, letting the tears fall. Keller was sure that they’d grabbed the attention of some onlookers that passed them.

It felt like her head was going to explode, “Did he even tell you half of what happened after you left? You have no idea what I went through without you here. That baby was the last link to anything normal I had, and it wasn’t fair that he was taken from me.” She said wiping at her eyes. “I didn’t have anything left.” Keller said border line hysterical, and moved towards him and clung to his shirt. How he would react didn’t bother her at that moment, she needed something stable to hold onto. She needed someone, some kind of comfort. “I didn’t want to live anymore Alex, you both left me.” Keller held onto his shirt with a white knuckle grip and let her tears fall. He was back, infront of her, and she was holding him. The one person who’d always made her important, he seemed so cold towards her, so far away. And, she’d never felt more alone. She had always been an independent person, but she needed him now more than ever.

[° LiNDSeY °]

"H-how could you think that would bother me?!" His anger was still there, a driving inferno and the only thing it was helping to do, was choke him. "Do you hear how insane that sounds?! You get pregnant with our child and you don't even have the decency to tell me. And then our..." He couldn't bring himself to say the words. He couldn't bear to believe that he had had a child, and that it had died. The slight anger that had been slowly burning inside of him before evaporated into a deep sadness. "Ruin things?"

[/color] How could she possibly ruin things? He loved Keller, more than he'd ever admit outloud. Because he couldn't, not now, not after everything. There wasn't anything left for him and he was going to live his life alone. He knew that was how it had to be. "You could never ruin things. I'll admit I don't know what I would have done. But I wouldn't have turned you away. I.." He loved her. And he still did.

It hurt as she got more upset, explaining he didn't know what happened after he left. She was right, he didn't. He hadn't even made the effort. His anger, and possibly his pride has caused him to be so easily satisfied if he never talked to her again. "Then tell me Keller. I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere. Tell me everything that happened. Let me be here for you."[/b] It hurt to offer that to her, after all he felt like she'd taken from him. It was hard to know if she'd just hurt him again. And he was positive in one thing - he knew she could, if he let her have access to ruining him. ( I would have. I would have loved the baby, and you. I could have been here for both of you. You never gave me that chance. You wanted Mason instead of me. [/i]) He couldn't say any of it. He couldn't show how truly hurt he was. That was why he'd left this stupid place. For everything it reminded him of. He'd found something else, and when that was taken, well, he'd given up. But the only thing he had left now was his dignity. He wouldn't give her that too. "I did give a damn, Keller. It was you who..."[/b] He stopped, turning his face so he didn't have to look at her, as he tried to regain his strength and composure. "You obviously know nothing about me."[/b] He turned back to her, going cold. He knew he couldn't do this right now, maybe not ever. It was too hard. "I would have worked it out Keller. You don't have any idea what I would have done. It might not have worked for some people, but I would have done the right thing. I would've been here for my baby, and its mother."[/b] He glared at anyone who looked their way. Even if this was on a public sidewalk, this conversation was private. People quickly averted their eyes so they wouldn't have to meet his.

"He only told me what he felt appropriate, and enough that I ended up not listening after I'd heard just about all I could take. You don't know how that feels to hear your best friend tell you something that the girl.."[/b] He stopped himself again. ( The girl you loved? You still love? No, Alex. You aren't going down this road again.[/i] ) He had to talk himself out of feeling any of what he was. It was all wrong. Everything about this was wrong. He felt soley responsible for everything that had happened to her. Even though she'd hurt him, he shouldn't have abandoned her out of anger. It wasn't right, and he knew it. When she said 'he', it felt like a thousand pounds had just been dropped on him. He'd not only lost his child, but it had been his son. A boy. It struck him through like lightning to hear her say she hadn't wanted to be alive anymore. "I should have never left."[/b] He wrapped his arms around her, letting her sob, cry, hit, whatever she needed. He tried just being there like he would have been when they were best friends. When he'd do anything to make her stop crying and just laugh, the same thing he'd do now. He'd give anything just to see her as she'd been before any of these things had happened to them. "I'm sorry."[/b] It was his fault. He'd left her, hurt her, and delivered the same pain she'd done to him, only worse. And it didn't make him feel better even if it was unintentional - it made him feel that much more horrible.[/size][/blockquote]

[Keller Galen]

She felt all of her anger draining from her system as she clung to him, her face buried in his shirt. Listening to him speak she couldn’t bring herself to find the anger that she’d had for him before, the tone of his voice showed that what he was saying was sincere. God, how she’d wished they could turn back time; she’d do everything different. Keller took a few deep , shaking breaths and leaned her forehead against his chest as she tried to calm herself down. Reaching down she laced his fingers in between one of his hands and felt his blazing warm skin engulf her small chilled hands. Keller had missed him even more than she’d let herself realize.Keller hadn’t gone about things they way she should have when it game to the baby, she was the first to admit that now.

Pushing some of her hair behind her ears she breathed through her congested nose, sniffling and wiped away the tears that still hung on her cheeks. ”Come on…” She spoke to him softly and picked up her bag from by her feet and pulled it onto her shoulder, not letting go of his hand but tightening her grip on his hand. This wasn’t something she really wanted to do, but it was only fair to him.

Walking through the small town of La Push they eventually reached where all the small shops started to dwindle away. She was silent as she walked up the small hilled path towards the gates of the cemetery. I didn’t think I could come back here… Sighing quietly she held onto his hand tightly and walked through the cemetery towards the place she knew all too well in her memories. Soon, she arrived at a small headstone that read ‘Shane Alexander Reeves’ with just his birthday below his name, and in the marble there was a full moon engraved upon it. Keller stood there staring at it, there were dried flowers from before still there and her stomach churned. With her hand still in his she raised his up to her mouth and placed a kiss on the back of his hand as a comfort before looking over at him with wet eyes again.